Thursday, 17 December 2009 16:43 Last Updated on Thursday, 17 December 2009 17:07

Separation and change in families can put stress on everyone involved. Children are affected by changes in their family structure and this can causes changes in their behaviour.

Children need to know they are loved by both parents no matter what else is happening. Read about how to focus on your relationship with your child to support them through family changes. When relationships break up and families change, life can be challenging and stressful for everyone.

• All children are affected by changes in their family structure, no matter how young they are.

• Even babies and young children can pick up on stress and tension between the important adults in their lives.

• Children may need extra support during these times.

How children cope with change

No matter what is happening for you as an adult, focus on your relationship with your child. They will cope better with change and feel more secure if they can trust the adults in their lives to keep loving them and meeting their needs.

Babies, young children and older children need to know they are still loved by both their parents, no matter what else is happening. They also need to know these things:

• You will love them and keep on loving them, even if one of you moves away.

• The changes that are happening, or how adults around them are feeling, is not their fault.

• If another adult or other children are joining their family, it will be OK to get to know them better, and that this will take time. They don’t have to feel ‘love’ right away or replace their parent with a new one.

When your child is feeling safe and loved, it is easier for them to learn new things and to get on with new people.

Expect behaviour changes

Your child will pick up on the anger, tension and stress around them during a time of change and upheaval. They may think that these feelings are all about them and that they are to blame in some way.

When your child senses stress or tension around them, you will probably see changes in their behaviour. They may go back to things they used to do, like trouble with sleeping or remembering to use the toilet, or they may become more clingy and want your attention more.

Doing things like this means your child is having negative emotions – feeling afraid, unsafe, sad, confused, helpless or abandoned. Try to understand and accept what they do. Your important role is to help them feel better.

Help your child to manage changes

Start with you. If you’re having a hard time coping with all the changes, get support to help with your feelings and practical issues that you may be trying to manage.The Ministry of Justice has a free information programme to help parents help their children called Parenting Through Separation, and Relationship Services offer all sorts of information, guidance and support for families.

Support your child so they can talk about and manage their feelings:

• No matter how old your child is, tell and show them that you love them, that other adults in their lives love them too, and that the changes are not their fault or responsibility.

• Give your child your time – one-on-one if you can.

• Let them know what is happening – answer their questions as simply and truthfully as you can. Expect your child to ask you the same questions over and over.

• Talk about feelings – when different families are coming together, the adults may be really happy and excited, but the children and their other parents may not be. Listen to your child and let them express their feelings.

• Plan to have a ‘no blame, no enemies’ approach – try to focus with your child on ‘this is how things are’, and think about how you can manage the changes that are happening in the way that is best for your child.

• Read stories together about separation and different families coming together – there are a range of books for different age groups at the library.

• When you can, give your child reasonable choices and opportunities to spend time with each parent.

Get support from friends and family, and from other places. Make a list and have a plan for who can help with what. For example, skylight provides children and their families with counselling services and resources to deal with the tough stuff in life such as grief, loss, trauma and change.

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