William Glasser’s book ‘Choice Theory’ offers a new way of looking at relationships.
His basic insight is that we are free to change ourselves but cannot change anyone else. Even a man with a gun to his head cannot be forced to act against his will.
Because we are free (although perhaps not completely so) to make choices about our own thoughts and actions, it must be true that everyone else has this freedom too, and so we cannot interfere with it.
Because we are free (although perhaps not completely so) to make choices about our own thoughts and actions, it must be true that everyone else has this freedom too, and so we cannot interfere with it.
According to Glasser, despite this fact, most people have been raised on the basis of ‘external control psychology,’ where coercion has been used to condition our behavior. As kids, we were rewarded for behavior our parents, teachers and other authority figures deemed desirable, and punished for what they thought of as undesirable. In other words, we have been conditioned like Pavlov’s dogs, salivating at the sound of a bell. It worked on us to some extent, and so, naturally, we copy this method and often seek to control other people, sometimes in very subtle ways.
However, this kind of external control comes with a cost: it is always damaging to our relationships and, in the end, leads to breakdown and unhappiness. The most pernicious thing of all is that, since we have been raised on coercion, we can be completely unaware that we are using this tactic to try to get what we want.
It is, perhaps, easier to spot coercion when we are on the receiving end. There are many ways in which people might try to control you. There are plenty of physically abusive relationships, of course, where direct threats and violence are the weapons of choice, but other tools people use are subtler and can be harder to spot. Examples are:
- Being remote – keeping others at an emotional distance, never disclosing too much, setting up a persona of mystery.
- Being scarce – always seeming to have other friends and acquaintances, other (and, by implication, better) places to go and being to be with.
- Instilling jealousy – flirting with other people, or subtly threatening to do so.
- Unpredictability – running around, being hard to pin down, and missing appointments and dates.
There are all kinds of other strategies people use. Many of us are so used to this kind of coercion that when we come across an idea like choice theory which asserts that we are, essentially, free agents, we may find it hard to accept that we need not dance to any one else’s tune. But the reality is that, although we are interconnected and we rely on each other, we need not play these games.
One of the most common way we have of manipulating others is using approval, bestowing and withdrawing it according to the kind of behavior we experience. But approval is always an illusion – it is impossible to win the approval of other people in a permanent way, and trying to achieve it is like running on a treadmill – it wears you out and gets you nowhere.
What can you do to free yourself from these control games?
People who have been the victim of controlling and manipulative behaviour can be disparaging about anyone who is open and shows genuine love. But such people, far from being the ‘losers’ they can be labeled as, make for more supportive and secure relationships. Spending time with people who treat you well and accept you as you are is very helpful and will enable you to see that coercion is not the only way to operate.
There is always a way of explaining away the behavior of a controlling person, especially if this person is a partner or a family member, and there are no end of reasons for accepting this behavior. But while you’re making excuses, the coercion and the exhausting race to keep up goes on. Stop making excuses. If someone is playing control games with you, maybe it’s time to get out.
We all stay in relationships because we are getting something out of them. These pay offs may be obvious – does he or she look good? Do they impress other people? – or they might be more subtle. Try to make a list and then at least you know what you would be losing if the relationship ended. Is this really worth hanging onto? Is it worth your freedom?
Glasser writes that ‘caring for but never trying to own may be a way to define friendship.’ It may seem hard to accept that some of our relationships – perhaps our closest ones – are coercive and contain the seeds of their own demise, but facing up to this reality could be the only option if we wish to thrive.
Mark’s home on the web is EffortlessAbundance.com. You can read more in his latest book, Thirty Days to Change Your Life.
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Tags: Coercion in relationships, Relationships. Relationship advice
