Oftentimes, people will act out and do hurtful things, and then later try to avoid taking full responsibility by claiming that the other person provoked them or behaved in ways that contributed to the breach. This is a mistake.
If that person truly wants to restore the trust, he or she must take full responsibility for what was done, regardless of the actions of their partner. If they are unwilling to do this, the restoration of trust is unlikely.
If that person does fully acknowledge their responsibility, regardless of how the other person behaved, then the repair of the relationship will then depend upon how motivated they are.
Motivation is not simply, “I don’t want to behave that way anymore and I’ll do the best I can to not repeat that behavior.” Like good intentions, motivation without follow-through is meaningless.
Actions must be taken that will lead to increased awareness, insight, and impulse control, as well as improved communication. Such actions might include individual psychotherapy, spiritual or religious counseling, stress management, anger management, 12-Step meetings, couples therapy and medication management.
If one is unwilling to engage in such activities, it is unlikely that change will occur and that trust will be restored. Assuming one is willing to engage in such activities, it is not sufficient to agree to participate and simply show up. One must also do the work.
Change requires letting down one’s defenses, letting go of one’s ego, developing humility, being vigilant over one’s thoughts and actions on a moment to moment basis, and relentlessly practicing rigorous honesty, compassion, consideration, respect and selflessness.
It’s not easy to change. It’s not easy to restore trust, particularly if the offended party remains resentful, angry, and unwilling to forgive, but it can be done.
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