We are all functionally flexible to some degree. If we don’t have a screwdriver and we are in desperate need of one, we will look at a knife but not see a knife. We’ll see a screwdriver. Sort of.
By not fixating on the knife’s primary function, which is to cut, we hone in on its other potential functions, such as having a straight edge which can be used to tighten screws.
That being said, for the most part (despite how ingenious human beings can be) we are slaves of habit and tend to be extremely functionally fixated in a number of areas of our lives. For example: Over time we develop and become fixated on a unified view of the world, our place in it, and how we should best behave.
And then we stick to it. Everything we see and hear is filtered through our worldview. We think this will make the world somehow less chaotic, more predictable and safer to navigate. And maybe it does.
But it’s a double-edged sword because having a very fixed, narrow, black versus white worldview can make it extremely difficult for us to be open-minded. This can get in the way of creative and effective problem-solving, at which point it fails to be a beneficial, survival of the fittest way to look at things. Additionally, functional fixation can contribute to the failure of relationships.
As resentments build in a relationship and the relationship starts to sour, we tend to see our partners in an ever-increasingly negative light. We no longer notice their characteristics and behaviors that, at one time, we admired, and which, at one time, amused us and endeared them to us.
Should our partners realize this, recognize the need to change, make efforts to do so and succeed at toning down their dysfunctionality, we tend not to say anything. We either don’t see their efforts and progress or we don’t want to see it because we are still hurt, we’re angry, we want to keep punishing them for the way they treated us, and we don’t want to encourage ourselves, more than them, into thinking that the relationship is truly going to heal and grow.
Bottom line: When we persist in seeing our partners through the eyes of the past and remain fixated on who they were, not who they now are, we are making a huge mistake. The relationship will never heal this way. We will never let go of our resentments. We will never let our guard down. Trust will never be restored.
If we want the relationship to survive and thrive, our perceptions of our partners and our responses to them have to change. We must defrost our severely negative, punishing view of our partners as they are making efforts to become more considerate and loving. We must make a conscious effort to look past the past, acknowledge our partners’ efforts and successes, and be supportive of their intentions and attempts.
One additional point to consider in regard to functional fixation in relationships: Most of us perceive our partners serving a variety of functions for us. We are so fixated, so to speak, on seeing them in these clearly defined roles, such that we fail to perceive their most important function for us, which is to help us discover the true meaning of love and the power of unconditional acceptance and forgiveness.
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