Many of us have become very successful at destroying relationships. What starts out bright and beautiful, full of joy, passion and promise, eventually becomes dark and ugly, full of animosity and negativity.
How does this happen? How is it that we repeatedly alienate our partners and sabotage our relationships? It usually comes down to a lack of effective communication.
When red flags appear, they are quickly buried. When resentments begin to build, they are suppressed and disguised in various passive-aggressive forms rather than dealt with openly.
Rather then working through the difficulties that develop, we say and do things that increase the resentments and further estrange the relationship. An example of one of these things which reflects unhealthy communication and is destructive to the relationship is, “I was only kidding.”
If we are the ones who say, “I was only kidding” after we have said something to our partner and gotten an angry reaction, we need to stop doing this. We weren’t only kidding. It’s not an accident that “Many a truth is said in jest” is a well-worn cliché.
We wrap our judgments in jokes, which enables us to attack our partners and then not take responsibility for it. By saying, “I was only kidding,” we don’t have to be held accountable. After all, how can anyone be mad at us if we didn’t really mean what we said?
This is not a good strategy. If we have a need to say something negative to our partner, it behooves us to come out and say it, plain and simple, rather than disguise it as a joke. Our criticism may not be well-received, but it is much better than the alternative of saying “I was only kidding,” which prevents any honest dialogue from occurring and generates more resentment and bitterness, making it more difficult for the fractured, disconnected relationship to ever get repaired.
Conversely, if we are the ones who get “I was only kidding” from our partner, rather than getting defensive and angry, we need to get real.
We need to point out that saying, “I was only kidding” is a cop-out. We need to be clear that we don’t see any joke, we believe there was truth to what was said, we need to talk about it, and if they’re going to take the coward’s approach of saying, “I was only kidding,” instead of owning up to what they’re really feeling and believing about us, then perhaps we should re-think the relationship.
If we do this, instead of resentments building up and communication deteriorating even further, the relationship has the chance to heal, grow stronger and be of enduring value.
If you like this blog, check out my other blog at: http://walterjacobsonmd.com/blog
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Tags: communication, relationship advice, Relationships, self-empowerment
