When we are angry at the way a loved one has treated us, we, oftentimes, harbor a resentment long after the incident has come and gone.
Rather than forgiving and forgetting, rather than agreeing to disagree and moving past it, we tend to express our irritation and discontentment by acting out in inappropriate ways that discharge our aggressive impulses and satisfy our ego in the moment, but are disruptive to the relationship in the long run.
The acting out sometimes takes the form of passive-aggressive behavior, whereby we do things to irritate our partner that are not overtly antagonistic. Knowing that there’s something we do that disturbs them, we keep doing it. Or if there’s something we know they would wish we do, we purposely don’t do it. And then we act innocently, as if we have no idea what they’re talking about when they confront us with our behavior. Or we say we didn’t mean to do it, it was an accident, we meant no harm.
Another form of expressing our hostility and aggression by acting out inappropriately, in order to get even for them having dominated us or invalidated us in some way in the past, is to engage in sarcasm and ridiculing behavior.
We tend to defend it as good-natured teasing, but that’s not how it is interpreted by our partner, and that’s not, in truth, what it is. In truth, it is an attack. It is an assault. It is verbal abuse. It is designed to hurt. It is a form of aggression, retaliation and vengeance. It doesn’t matter if it is said in jest, with a smile on our face, or that we claim we were only kidding when they react defensively and with anger. It’s an attack designed to demean, to humiliate, and to minimize, whether we’re consciously aware of this or not.
The underlying purpose of these behaviors is to level the playing field. Feeling powerless and “less than,” we engage in sarcasm and ridicule in order to shame our partner and put them down. This feeds our ego. It gives us that sense of power we were lacking. It temporarily makes us feel better about ourselves. But, unfortunately, it doesn’t serve our best interests, because the unpleasantness and bad feelings that are generated in our partner in the process have long-term consequences which result in a relationship that is ultimately unsatisfying and unfulfilling.
Our sarcasm and ridicule set into motion a vicious cycle whereby they retaliate with inconsiderate and unloving behaviors towards us, feeling justified in doing so because they perceive they have been attacked, and they don’t connect our attack to what they did to us in the past. They feel justified to now lash back. And then we feel justified in attacking them in return. And then they feel vindicated when they attack once more.
Consequently, there are hurt feelings all around. There is no healthy communication. There is no healing. The back-and-forth sarcasm and ridiculing banter reinforces the rift between partners, generates more resentment and bitterness, and derails any meaningful dialogue, negotiation, and cooperation that could lead to a relationship where everybody’s needs are met and there is mutual respect, consideration, and love.
So what can we do about this?
If we have had a disagreement that has not truly been resolved, rather than harboring resentments that will lead to relationship-sabotaging behaviors in the future, we need to go back to the table, talk it through and attempt to reach a better outcome. We need to express our feelings and communicate our concerns. Perhaps we need to set new boundaries. Perhaps we need to re-negotiate an agreement. Whatever it is that was left unsaid, unresolved or misunderstood needs to be re-addressed, hopefully to our mutual satisfaction.
Regardless of what it is that we need to do to repair the problem and resolve the conflict, it behooves us to let go of our anger, judgments, grievances, and resentments so that they don’t spill out inappropriately in hurtful and unloving ways that interfere with effective communication and prevent the relationship from being the truly nurturing, satisfying, and long-lasting one it could be.
The bottom line is this: We need to stop ridiculing and shaming our loved ones. The cliché, “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all,” bears remembering. We should make every effort to take the high ground, to put aside our pettiness and cheap shots, to treat our partners as we wish to be treated, to make them feel good about themselves, to be supportive of who they are and what they hope to be, and to always make them feel cherished and valued.
When we do these things, we feel good about ourselves and the relationship flourishes.
Tags: relationship advice, ridicule, sarcasm
